Musings From Life On Lockdown

Hey friends. It’s been a hot second since I shared anything on this blog. My Instagram feed has been pretty quiet as of late too. Why? Because I am just feeling a lot of emotions but I feel like I’m having a hard time expressing them. It’s as though I don’t have the right words. But musings? I have a lot of them. About a lot of things. Honestly, things feel pretty redundant right now, and can we be real, I am suffering from burn-out of all of the mixed bag of opinions about COVID. I mostly want to scream, “Shut the Hell up!!!” It feels like no matter what you say or believe, it’s wrong. Something or someone contradicts everything. It’s quite frustrating.

I thought some musings from life on lockdown might be a good way to get the voices out of my head because writing is cathartic. Don’t mind me as I ramble about a few things on my mind. Also, I love comments and hearing about my dear readers and what ya’ll are up too so please do connect. Tell me something funny or reach out it if you need to connect in this isolating season. None of us should feel alone.

It also feels like while many of us are doing this shelter in place thing, we have more time to focus on all the things. Maybe we need the distractions so we read more. Then we think more. Maybe our minds aren’t as busy without the day to day distractions and activities. Sometimes navigating feelings during this pandemic is extra exhausting. For us overthinkers, it can be a bit overwhelming.

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Musings About COVID

So many people are showing their true colors by being mean, rude, insensitive, or just plain hateful on their social media platforms. I’m calling this color baby shit yellow. It’s unbecoming and elicits a lot of unfollows. Opinions are fair. We all have them and it’s quite obvious that we are quite divided in where we stand. I am not here to change your opinions if they don’t match mine but I wish people would not use their platform to pick a fight. Or better yet, if someone shares something that you don’t like, don’t engage.

I am a really emotional person and I feel things super big. I am also a bit of a people pleaser and I avoid conflict by not engaging when I know that I don’t see eye to eye with someone. I know some people are happy to share it all (to which I say fight your fight if that’s your thing) and that social media is a powerful platform. I am happy to be heard but getting into a debate when it’s obvious that neither side is budging isn’t worth my time or energy. Sometimes just reading the back and forth makes me feel a bit frazzled which is a good indicator to take a social media break.

I do struggle with anxiety at times but being at home helps me stay more grounded and leaves me feeling somehow safe, even if it’s a false sense of security. Leaving home flairs my anxiety. Lately, my anxiety comes from the mixed bag of information that is floating around via news outlets and social media. I want so desperately to trust someone in all of this and yet I trust no one completely. Which is why I am really leaning into my own gut feelings.  I feel like I am still engaging with loved ones via phone and text as I was before. I am seeing a few people in person as of late. I wear a mask mostly to ease the mind of others because if that helps someone else and their anxiety, then I can do that. I can be that person.

I live in a house with 3 other humans. Two teenagers, one bordering on adulthood, and my husband. No one in this house seems to feel overly concerned with the threat of COVID based on our own county numbers. I am the most worried but that doesn’t carry a lot of weight in this house. So what I’m saying is this, we each are feeling this in our own way and if we are respectful of the feelings of others, we have to just be okay with that. I can’t change how those in my home feel or respond to this pandemic, nor can they change me.

For just a second (or let’s aim for forever) can we negate the hate? Can we wear a mask if we don’t want too (because really, who wants too?) because it brings someone else peace? Can we stop pointing fingers? Can we use our nice voices? Can we share opinions without them being tinged with hate? Can we stop shaming others? Can we care about those that are struggling? Can we worry about people’s mental health? Because even though this physical virus is deadly, the mental health fallout may be pretty substantial.

Musings About Grief

Feelings beyond COVID cause yes, life is still existing outside of this awful and scary virus that seems to have shut down our world and made some people more compassionate while it’s made others look like heartless meanie heads (yes, that is the only namecalling I will do in this post because I believe in being kind).

Recently, a classmate of my oldest son’s died from drowning. Presumed. They have not yet recovered his body. This has been weighing so heavy on my mind. It was an accident. An accident. None of us are exempt from death and as a mama, my heart hurts big for another parent’s loss as well as knowing this loss could easily happen to any of us. It has my heart feeling both heavy for his parents’ loss and grateful for what I have. It’s been this heavy ache within me.

I have also heard and seen how sad the community is about this loss. Most of these kids hadn’t felt this kind of loss within their peer group. They are supposed to be socially distancing and for many, that has fallen to the wayside. The lives of kids have been turned upside down and yes, so have the lives of adults but we are more capable of handling loss. We have felt grief. We have more life experience and tools in our belt to get us through it. These kids do not. I worry about their mental health. I am hearing that drinking and drug usage is climbing amongst teens. This terrifies me.

Musings About Parenting

My own son has tuned in to our family more since this happened. He’s come so far from the struggles we had last year and I am so inspired by the amazing man he is growing into. Teenagers have a lot happening. They are navigating their own big emotions and pushing limits so that they can figure out who they are. As parents, we are charting these choppy waters. We have encouraged them to be themselves yet we find ourselves trying to correct things so that they are done how we’d like them to be done. We can’t have it both ways.

In this house, we’ve changed a lot. As parents, as kids, as a family and as individuals. We do us and that might not be the way you would do it but we are doing our best. We are loving hard, holding on and letting go. It feels safe yet terrifying. I’ve learned some valuable lessons in our personal journey. Judge less. Or not at all. If you aren’t in someone else’s shoes – you simply can’t understand or imagine what you would do.

Musings About Racism

Last week, we also learned of the senseless killing of Ahmaud Arbery. I can’t wrap my head around racism. It exists. It is sickening and I don’t understand how we have not evolved or honestly why it ever started in the first place. Why do we see color and assume it means someone is doing something wrong? I recall having this conversation with my son’s friend’s mom a couple of years ago. He is a very dark-skinned Indian and she told me that she worries about him. I hadn’t even thought about this. As many would say, I am a privileged white woman. I don’t directly experience or feel racism. However, I do see that it exists and I am revolted by it.

My oldest son is social. He is friends with everyone. In our mostly white community, he has the most diverse group of friends. I love that he sees people for who they are on the inside, not what they look like on the outside. As he should. People are people and unless their character shows otherwise, who are we to pick them apart for the color of their skin, what their sexual preference is, how they look, what they wear, what kind of hair cut they have or if they have tattoos, etc? My mantra is, Be a nice human. That’s the quality I look for in a person. Kindness.

Also, what gives someone the right to chase someone down, pull loaded weapons, and kill them in broad daylight because they assume? What on freaking Earth. I don’t have the words to describe the disgust that I feel. I don’t understand how this was just brought to the surface and how the people – there were two of them – that killed this innocent man were not apprehended until just now. This man died in February. Two men have been arrested for his death. I am sick over this. I am sick that this took two months to come to light. That these men decided to act recklessly and took a young life. I am sick. Sick for the unjustice. Gutted for a life lost.

Musings About Friendships

A few weeks back, I expressed via this little blog about how some words regarding COVID in a text message with a friend upset me. I wrote them not as a way to shame or attack this person nor did I do it in a way to tell others how they should talk. I simply stated that sometimes in our difference of feelings and communicating, we might unintentionally overload others. Especially those that are super sensitive (insert raised hand here). It’s caused some hurt. I am sad that I caused that hurt because I do care very much about this person. It also got me to thinking that I shouldn’t apologize for saying how I feel, just as much as someone shouldn’t apologize for expressing their own fears. Or perhaps both parties could express that they are sorry in how they made the other person feel because that’s what friends do? We acknowledge each other’s feelings. Or so I thought.

One of my favorite things to do in my pre-COVID life is sharing time with friends. I’m missing the one on one connections with some of my favorite girls these days. The breakfast dates that roll into lunch. The conversations that are effortless and just flow. The sharing of stories that bring tears to your eyes and make your cheeks hurt from laughing so hard. Those are my favorite kind of ‘dates’ and I miss them so much. Even with restaurants opening back up, I think the easing back into the new normal may take a while.

Musings About Cute Kids

A few weeks back, just after Easter, I was on a walk. There was a little boy playing in his driveway and as I walked by he yelled, “Happy Easter.” It was Monday and Easter was the day before but there was no way I was going to point this out. This boy was darling and his enthusiastic, “Happy Easter!” made my day.

I have twin 3-year-old nieces that I am lucky enough to live close too. Recently, one of them and now both on occasion have started calling me Uncle Gabby. You guys, it’s both hilarious and adorable. I kinda want to be Uncle Steve forever. They also like to give hugs and have a lot of joy when they see me. This is much different than the lack of fanfare that I get from my two teen boys.

Musings About Glennon Doyle’s Book, Untamed

I love to read and I have set up a little challenge for myself to read 20 books in 2020. I just finished Untamed by Glennon Doyle. This was book #9! I am a huge fan of Glennon Doyle as she writes from her heart and she feels things big. She is so relatable. I love sharing my thoughts and experience in the hope that my words might help others feel less alone. That is what Glennon does for me when I read her books. She is a truth-teller and those are my favorite kind of people. If you want to be inspired, I would highly recommend the book. It’s about living your life and finding your joy because, in that, you are teaching those around you to do the same.

In Conclusion

We are all ultimately marching to our own beat. In this season of weirdness, whether it’s political or scientific (because those seem to be the two sides these days), some relationships will likely not survive. I’ve used the #weareinthistogether many times but I am starting to feel more like #wearedivided and I don’t really know how to come together. This makes me sad. In the beginning, we seemed to be aligning and as time goes on, people are getting restless, and with that comes frustration on both sides.

I recently read an awesome quote from the well-known journalist, Joan Lunden. She said, “Worrying won’t stop the bad stuff from happening.” Obviously we can do our best to take measures to not let the bad stuff happen but when it comes down too it, worrying or excessive worrying won’t change the outcome.

Please take this time to do what is best for you. Please do it with kindness and compassion. We are so much better together than we are apart.