Everything Is Going To Be Alright

Honestly, right at this moment, I am completely freaking out. My anxiety is through the roof. I feel like I can’t catch my breath and my heart is shattered into a million pieces. This is all emotion-based. My logical senses tell me that everything is going to be alright. Let me tell you, logic doesn’t usually win over emotions. At least not for this girl!

This post is gut-wrenching and from the heart. It is real life. It is the hard stuff. It is not easy. I also felt like it was something I wanted to share. I needed to share. For some people, this might seem like too much. It might feel like I am sharing things that are too personal but my gut says to share – to put the hard stuff out there. Authenticity. Life is full of hard. It’s full of good. All of these bits and pieces make up our story. I also feel like sharing the truth allows for less misinterpretation. I know that stories can get lost in translation and I’d rather give you all the honest to goodness truth.

We’ve had a rough couple of years with our oldest son. It started with vaping. Then it escalated to marijuana usage. We went through calm phases and then something would explode. He got caught in trouble for possession at school. We put him in a rehab program through Kaiser that just allowed him access to kids that were rougher than him. He learned more. He started having an awful mouth. He then got kicked out of school. We continuously found drug paraphernalia in our home. Bongs, vape devices, pot, etc.  He was trying to grow pot. He ran away. He got in trouble with the authorities again. We thought he hit rock bottom about 7 weeks ago but then things started spiraling.

A few weeks back, I could see the switch. A few incidents happened at once. Things that completely knocked what little self-esteem he had left out of him. No matter how much we built him up. No matter how much we said the past was behind him and that he had the power to change his story going forward. He was sitting in a low place. I could see it. He felt worthless. He lost a job (which was run unprofessionally as the guy just stopped contacting him), decided to run away for 6 days, came home and then decided to do what he wanted when he wanted. He created his own curfew and sometimes stayed out all night.

He even told his younger brother that we had zero control over him. Well it definitely felt that way. We’d felt that way for almost two years. I should preface, we weren’t looking for ‘control’ but there are certain rules that we expected to be followed as well as a level of respect that we as parents needed and deserved. We also tried to offer to meet him in the middle on several occasions. We asked what he needed from us. There was no middle. He wanted 100% freedom to do what he wanted. From a safety perspective, that wasn’t going to work for us. Sixteen-year-olds need rules and boundaries.

When he ran away, I heard from his closest friends that they were worried about him. Some of his messages on social media were saying he wanted to hurt himself. This was very unsettling. I was hearing these messages and not knowing where he was. It created sleepless nights and a lot of worries. When he came home, he denied these allegations. He said he didn’t like being at home. There were clues to depression and anxiety. Sometimes he’d admitted to these things. He would even say that he liked pot because it helped him sleep.

There wasn’t a lot of motivation happening. I watched him drain his bank account. He started coming home when he wanted or not at all. He spoke to us in a way that was just plain disrespectful. We were done. We needed to help him but it was quite obviously out of our control. We’ve had him in counseling. She told me that he had ‘big emotions’. Well, I can relate to the big emotions thing. Hell, I can even admit that I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression but I don’t mask those feelings with drugs or alcohol.

As the daughter of an alcoholic, I knew what was happening.  I knew that what he was doing was bigger than him. I  knew he needed help. Honestly, I see what my dad was going through in a very different light now. I feel guilty for not understanding him better. I also know to let that guilt go because I was too young to grasp it. Maybe a small part of me needed to see it then to understand it now.

When it comes to drug and alcohol addiction/abuse, here is what I know: It’s usually a way to cope with things that are too painful. Some of us cannot adapt and get past the big emotions. They are too much and we want to numb them. We want to not feel because emotions can be heavy and hard. They can feel like they are sucking every little ounce of energy out of us and it’s easier to numb those feelings or run away from them. I believe that our house was full of real-life stuff. It wasn’t that we were piling on the pressure, but it was where we had the talks, where things felt the most real. I think that was too much for him.

Our house had shifted dramatically because of the things our oldest son was going through. My husband and I are in therapy to learn to navigate this together. We work hard to stay cohesive. I started to see shifts in our younger son’s personality towards his brother. We have not lived our normal lives in a while as there was always something happening with Ben. We felt like we were walking on eggshells and things had to change. Out family deserves to be emotionally healthy. Our youngest son deserves to live in a house that isn’t running on the emotions created by his big brother. We are a family and even though one of us is not under our roof, he’s in our hearts and we are here working for him. Waiting for him to come back as a healthier version of himself.

As a parent, you feel like it’s part of your job to fill your kids’ toolbox with all the best tools to give them a solid shot at tackling the real world. We had discussed sending him to an out of state program (FYI – In California, your kids can sign themselves right out of a program. Counterproductive, right?). We discussed this with our counselor and decided we’d try counseling for him as well. Trying to find a counselor through our insurance was just plain dumb. No one called us back. We ended up paying out of pocket in hopes of getting him some good therapy. Counseling wasn’t enough. There are a few types of programs including wilderness therapy and residential treatment facilities. My husband was ready to do this awhile ago but my gut said, “nope”. The events of the past couple of weeks made it obvious that we had to do more. That this was bigger than us.

We had already done some research and decided on a facility in Utah. It all came about pretty quickly as we had just officially committed to this idea two weekends ago. It took some planning and pulling in some helpers to coordinate this transition. My son officially landed in his new temporary home just over a week ago. It was a bit of relief to see it all come together. We couldn’t tell him what was happening or he would have run. It felt deceitful even though I knew we didn’t have a choice.

In this major life decision, we rallied the troops. Our family and closest friends knew that we had tried everything. They knew that we had exhausted our resources. Ben is loved and has a huge support system waiting here at home to help lift him up once he comes home. There were so many details in getting Ben to Utah. Some close friends who also happen to be my husband’s coworkers took on the huge responsibility of getting Ben to Utah. These guys will forever be my heroes. They stepped into an emotional situation. To help a kid that they watched grow up. To help us have a bit of a peaceful transition. If you aren’t familiar with this type of situation, most often, kids do not go to these programs willingly. Often times, parents pay for a transport team to get their kids to these facilities. We felt so lucky to have someone close to us take on that role. I’m sure my son felt that as well.

Once Ben was gone, I wanted to reach out to his closest friends myself. It was so important to me that they hear straight from us and not via some concocted story via social media. There were a few boys that we talked to and they were super supportive and seemed to know that this was the best choice for our family. They were worried as well. Those sweet boys have continued to check in with me. It’s as if they knew that I needed to hear from them to feel connected to Ben. One of them even promised that he’d look after my younger son while Ben is away.

As a mom, I am sad, worried, relieved, guilty and nervous. I am also hopeful that this is the help that my kid needs to be happy and healthy. It’s so hard as a parent watching your child morph into this person who can’t cope. My heart constantly felt sad for him as I could tell he was struggling or mad at him for the turmoil he brought to our home. There is a bit of relief in knowing that he is safe. Knowing it’s not under our own roof makes me sad. The emotions are overwhelming. All of these emotions come from the same place – love. I have literally felt like I have been grieving and grief comes from, you guessed it – love.

There have been signs that we made the right choice. Things that have popped up via music, talks with strangers, social media engagements. Literally, every single day something or someone ‘tells’ me that we did the right thing. It’s often said that difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations. I’m crossing my fingers that this is true.

Today I woke up and tried to change my mindset. Tried. Yet the tears came anyway. I know so much of this will be the norm. It’s all new. There are so many unknowns and our hearts are just full of so much. They hold love, fear, anxiety, gratitude. The support has been great. So many people have watched us struggle and knew how hard we’ve tried to change things on our own. The thing is, when you have a child like ours, you don’t have the control. It’s not about parenting, or lack of, it’s about a child that is struggling and sometimes that means that you need extra help. Let me tell you this, it is always ok to ask for help and I highly encourage it if it means saving yourself, your child or even your family.

The program that he is in has many stages and phases. They will hold him accountable for learning to deal with his emotions. They will give all of us the tools to make his future easier to navigate. He is enrolled in school, he will develop healthy habits, he will learn to be a better communicator. We will have weekly on-line therapy sessions, we will get to see him, he will earn a home visit once he gets closer to ‘graduating’. There are a lot of moving pieces and honestly, so much of this falls on him and what he puts into it. I do think that removing him from his normal environment will take away some of the stresses that hold him back from being his best self.

In closing, I want to say that my son is an amazing person. He is charismatic, handsome, charming, funny and adventurous. Yes, it’s been a rough run with him but underneath it all, he is an amazing young man who just needs some help in finding his way.