Survival

Hey friends! Many of you see me. You see my truths. I am a put it all out there kind of girl. Lately, there have been more truths as I navigate parenting my spirited 15-year-old. It’s parenting. It’s a hard job. I’m humbled on the daily. I am also dealing with my own inner struggles. Writing is so cathartic for me and somehow, throwing all of my messy thoughts down via social media or on this blog, makes me feel lighter. I also hope that through it all, in all of my ramblings and truths that I will somehow give someone else ‘permission’ to own their own messy thoughts and life. Life is really perfectly imperfect and that is how it is supposed to be. We have to feel the lows and to truly appreciate the highs, right?

First off, I just read this post on my old blog that I wrote after I lost my dad. He would be turning 70 tomorrow and the 3-year anniversary of his death is June 3rd. I am sitting extra deep in grief right now. It’s a bit suffocating at times. I miss him terribly. I wonder what kind of influence he’d be on my oldest. I wonder if my job as a parent would be easier if he was here to help guide my boy who loved him so much. I wonder if Ben would be different if he hadn’t lost his grandpa. So many what if’s but sitting in it just doesn’t make sense as I can’t change the fact that he is gone. I can sit in the grief for a minute though – and I am. Every year since my dad has passed, we go to Sam’s Hof Brau which was his favorite restaurant and have lunch. It’s my sister and her family and me and my crew. Our other siblings are in Southern California so they couldn’t join us. Yesterday, I barely made it through lunch. Aside from my brother in law telling my baby nieces that it was Grandpa’s favorite place, I couldn’t even talk about my dad. I just had a lump in my throat. I was looking at my cute little nieces and thinking about how my dad would just get a kick out of their emerging personalities. My heart hurt for my sister who’s daughters never got to meet their Grandpa who would have spoiled them rotten. Even now, I can picture the sparkle in his eyes over his grandkids. It was magical.

My mood was horrific. I felt mad and sad. When I came home, I stretched out on my floor with the windows open, breeze blowing and just felt sad. My youngest son came in to check on me. He always knows when to check in even if he doesn’t know what is really going on in my head. He’s good like that. Then my husband came in and laid with me. He knew I was struggling. We had a BBQ to go to and I was fighting it. He encouraged me to go and said that my girlfriends would be good for me. He was right. Well, my friends and the biggest gin + tonic ever.

I feel like I have been sitting in more anxiety and maybe a tad bit of extra sadness lately. More than normal. I am trying so hard to work through my own shit. Really I am. Sometimes I think I need to try harder. I stopped working to solely focus on blogging back in October. That is also when the teen years hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. Life is stressful – for all if us. My situation isn’t horrific. It’s hard. It’s messy and I am doing the best I can. I am also damn lucky to have the life I have. The opportunities, the people in my life, my family, my health. My cup really is half full.

Let me preface this by saying that the bulk of my friends that I spend most of my time with have younger kids and the whole teen thing is only something that they can relate to because they were once teens. Last night, my friend’s husband commented that he didn’t think he’d be able to allow his daughters to do the things that my kid does. Ha! What the what? I don’t allow my kid to act like anything but at 15, he is his own person. I don’t have all the control. Some kids are wired to follow all the rules, others think it’s fun to break them. So far, I have one of each. Same parents, same parenting, same rules yet my oldest is a bit wilder and adventurous. Teens think that they have it all figured out. As if. Hell, I don’t even have it all figured out at almost 44. This dad thought that because I crack jokes and make sarcastic comments when I talk about the things that my boy does,  that we were all good with all.the.things. Negative Ghostrider! Those are our straight-up coping mechanisms.

So how are we navigating these oh so fun years? We are staying the course. We are adjusting our sails as needed. We are picking our battles. We are setting limits. We are always reminding him that his choices dictate our reactions and the consequences that come from those choices are ultimately on him. Every single day, we repeat, “make good choices”. For the most part, he is respectful. He doesn’t storm out or cuss or flip out. He actually has moments of sheer transparency where he tells me all the things. Which reminds me to tell you that A LOT OF KIDS are doing things. Teen stuff. A lot of parents just don’t know. So pay attention folks. You say, “No way, not my kid” well I am here to tell you that yes, way it might be your kid. They are all humans with their own inner voices and they are also highly influenced by their peer’s cause at this age, friends are pretty much their favorite thing ever. And snacks. They do love snacks. He snuck out two weeks ago. As soon as we figured out that he was missing, we called him, he answered and he came home. Is all of it OK? Absolutely not but is some of it age appropriate? Yep. So here we are, winging it. Setting boundaries and seriously, hoping for the freaking best. If I could bubble wrap him to keep him safe, I would.

So if you have an awesome child who never gives you grief. Lucky you! Seriously! My sister just told me a story about a friend who has two awesomely successful kids and my sister asked her what her secret was and she said, “luck”. I love that mama! So many times I see these blow ups on social media {cause social media lets you say all the things you’d likely never have the balls to say to someones face} with people trying to tell other people how to parent. Spank them, set them straight, it starts at home, find God, it’s all about how you parent and so on. Guess what folks? We are over here loving on our boys and always encouraging them to do the right things. Leading by example. We don’t let them do WHATEVER they freaking want and hey, look at that – I can’t control all of their choices. So for those who slam the parents that are really working their asses off to keep their kids safe while you think your stellar parenting made your kids stay out of trouble and turn out so awesome, you got lucky or you have no idea what your kids are up too. #endofrant I don’t know many of these people in my world {cause I’d be clicking unfriend in real life!} but I do see them pop on on social media feeds, and things like Next Door, etc. So my advice is: do your best, ignore the naysayers, just do you, be kind, be humble and give grace to other parents. Most of us really are doing our very best.  Also, a few parents who’ve already jumped through the parenting hoops and came out on the other side are here to encourage you and they’ll tell you that it’s all gonna be OK! Woot. Thank you, leaders. I appreciate you.

The last day of school was Friday. I was at a friend’s and there was a handful of us who had 15 year old boys. Guess what? We were ALL feeling frustrated. Each of us had different complaints and struggles but it was eye-opening. Oh hey, teenagers, you suck. Ha ha. Not always but it really was a bit validating as far as knowing that all teen parents are coping and working through the teen years. Teens want independence yet they aren’t quite mature enough to make all the choices. We are still responsible for them, we are still in full-blown parenting mode until they are 18 years old. Someone once joked that the reason that teens act like they do is to make us want to kick them out at 18. I am feeling like this just might be true. It hurts my heart a bit to think of my big boy leaving the nest in a few years but I also hope that I can help cultivate good choices, teach him some life skills and hopefully, send him into the world with the wings and wisdom to succeed. Until then, I will keep on keepin’ on.

So yeah, I am sometimes sitting knee deep in some serious emotions but I am really trying to make some conscious choices and actions to dig out cause feeling sad just straight up S U C K S. Being happy is definitely my jam and I’m trying to cultivate more happy. Less stress. More letting go. Less anger. More patience.

What else has been suffering due to my own inner turmoil? My diet and exercise habits. I’ve gained weight, I’m my own worse enemy with the bad foods. It somehow makes me happy yet then I feel guilty cause hello, bad habits that make my pants tight are not good for anyone! I’d rather not work out. It’s been a weird thing but this yucky feeling of despair comes over me and I just feel kinda paralyzed. I really HAVE TO turn this shit around cause tight pants in the summer is really a miserable thing. Don’t even get me started on swimsuits. Ugh. To be quite honest, being in my mid-forties has also brought on a surge of hormones which has me all head-spinning, sad, and frustrated too. Seriously. Like having growing, having and raising babies wasn’t enough hormonal responsibility. Now I have to navigate the perimenopausal crap too? While parenting teens? #nothankyou I basically feel like my insides are all twisted up and like I want to come out of my own skin. Ew, right?

H O W  I   C O P E

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• walks
• getting outside
• time with friends
• day trips
• day dates
• projects
• organizing

Where do you find your peace? Your calm? Are you parenting a teen? Sitting in grief? Dealing with hormones? Eating too many scones? Feeling stuck? Sad? Angry? Frustrated? Tell me how you survive!