Surrender – When The Choice Isn’t Yours

Hey friends! Here we are in the middle of the week. I think. It’s all a blur I asked my hubby to make me a Bloody Mary at 3 pm on a Wednesday. He reminded me that it was 3 o’clock on a Wednesday. Guess what? I don’t care. Drink made and drank. Y’all, it’s all weird and that might mean a drink early in the day. Whatever. I should preface that this is not the norm for me and I am not just haphazardly drinking during the day. Except for today. I had a drink and now I have moved on to iced coffee. I started thinking about this madness called a pandemic and here is where I am currently sitting. I feel like it’s time to surrender. Surrender to what is, because the choices are not ours for the making right now.

Update: You will likely be seeing this post on Friday or Saturday – you know because I am so busy that finding time to write is so hard;) I kid. I am running on an overload of iced coffee and sarcasm. My laundry is totally caught up and I’ve read 15 books. Okay, I’ve read two books. I am also becoming quite the bullshitter these days. Today I am eating far too many Cadbury Mini Eggs because on top of a pandemic, PMS has reared it’s bitchy head and mama needs chocolate.

Things are starting to seem a bit redundant but the thing that won’t get old to me is humor. What does get old? Fear. Ugh. Why? Because fear breeds fear. That being said, we all have to feel this in our own way. Some of us are in tears and living in the fear. Some of us are just trying our best to live moment to moment without focusing too far ahead. Each of us certainly processes in our own way and whatever that looks like for you is okay.

I know there are tears, frustration, anger. People are running through all the feelings. Sometimes in a matter of minutes. I am sitting in a calm space with sporadic feelings of panic. I quickly push away the panic + fear because those feelings do not serve me. They take me out and I know that a spiral is not going to keep me emotionally healthy. Being emotionally unhealthy can easily lead us to become physically sick. If I am not in a good headspace, I’m no good for my loved ones. I’m an empath but I know that can take its toll on me. When things start to feel too dark, I retreat. It’s like a shield goes up to protect my heart. My heart hurts for the hearts of others. Who can relate to being an empath?

My positive self-talk is off the charts and when it dips, I scramble to get back on track. If I want news, I will look for it. So I guess my coping mechanism is plugging in less. I don’t need to read all of the articles to understand the severity or seriousness of this. I pick and choose what fills my emotional database. I know what is too much for my brain.

I told my husband that I was feeling stressed last night and he reminded me of an earlier Facebook post from an old friend. “Remember, don’t let the things you have no control over be the things that have control over you.” Damn. I know this already and you can bet your ass in today’s meditation, I repeated this over and over. It helps to have this mindset. Meditation is a newer practice that I started before this pandemic hit the world but I’m telling you, it does help! If you haven’t tried it, I highly recommend it. It takes a few minutes of quiet time and focusing on your breath, repeating positive affirmations is quite helpful as well.

So here’s the thing, we can only control so much of this current situation. We can stay in, wash our hands, sanitize and not expose our sicknesses to others. We can do those things. We can not control if or when we get Covid-19. We can only do our very best but in reality, that is the only part we truly have control over. So we can watch the news to stay informed but try not to let it feed our panic. We can love our families and move our bodies. We can go outside and get some fresh air. We can stay inside and work on things that feed our souls like reading + writing. What you choose to do at this time if up to you. Whatever it is surrender to it. We aren’t in control of when it will go away or how much damage it may cause.

This is what I have to tell myself. If I tell myself how many people have died, I will panic. If I tell myself how quickly this spreads, I will panic. If I let myself go down that dark and twisty path, it’s not good. My husband is a fire captain. He has been in this profession for the entirety of our relationship. This is a dangerous profession no matter how you look at it. So I have been practicing the art of ignorance is bliss for quite some time now. Don’t get me wrong, I know the pitfalls of his profession. I know that every time he goes to work, he puts himself in harm’s way so I am choosing to look at what he does the same as I always have. It’s his job. I am here on the homefront to support that. People ask if I am worried about him. Of course I am but that’s my role as a fire wife. It has always been that way and it will be up until the day he retires.

Now let’s get into some real shit, shall we? Not like the fear of Covid-19 isn’t a big enough fear but for many, so is the reality of unemployment. Again, I am not feeling this as my husband is most definitely considered an essential worker. I was on the hunt for a job prior to this shock to our systems so I will be living my best SAHM life with a sprinkle of writing and learning. But again, I can’t complain. My bills are still being paid as they always have. My plans for getting ahead are a bit derailed but in the scheme of things, it’s okay. For those who are feeling the financial impact of no income, less income or the possibility of not staying employed, I am sorry. That is a whole other added level of stress. I have no doubt that it will take some time to bounce back from this.

Yesterday, a sweet friend dropped off some toilet paper. We stayed our distance but man, not hugging her was so freaking hard! I am actually okay being a bit antisocial but when I see the people I love right in front of me, not being able to hug them breaks my heart a little bit. I know that some people are really struggling with the lack of social right now. My mother in law texted me because she is feeling it. She runs in-home daycare and a couple of her families have become like family. Plus she watches her two granddaughters. So she is feeling this shift a lot because her daily interactions are so big! Another friend says that her dream was to work from home and now that it’s happening, she’s not so sure about how she feels about it.

The unknown is uncomfortable for all us, more so now than ever. We all like to have a say over what we do, where we go, what we can buy – all of these things feel controlled and that is not a space that most of us are used to living in. Grocery shelves are empty, things are being rationed. It’s not a normal thing for us and for those that live paycheck to paycheck, it’s even more concerning. Lack of control isn’t comfortable. It’s also not a choice right now. The only choice we have is to acclimate as best as we can.

There are a lot of pivots happening and in the end, that is the best mindset we can have. Pivot and do what works with what you have in these weird times. Let yourself feel all the feels but I beg of you, try not to sit in the hard hard stuff for too long. Find some sparks of joy. Give yourself a lot of grace and remind yourself that you can only control yourself. Sending lots of virtual hugs or if you aren’t a hugger – fistbumps!