Mama Needs Coffee

Oh hello there you Monday! Monday is usually a fresh start for me but I’m afraid that my hormones are surging and because I am overthinker, this basically makes me extra cray cray today. At any given moment, I have a million thoughts surging through my brain. When I am in this fight or flight mode, I feel completely overstimulated. Like a jumble of exposed wires. It is a very icky feeling. I know it’ll pass but it feels so physically and emotionally overwhelming. I heard a new word that sums it up perfectly, hormotional = hormonal + emotional. How great is that? Basically, mama needs coffee – ok? That’s my secret weapon for overcoming things. An iced coffee, maybe a good cry and writing all about it.

Photo by the talented Magnolia Rain Photography
Sweatshirt available at Target

Contributing factors? Life. Seriously. We’ve all got our overload of shit going on. I’m not special or unique. Well, I am but we all are but I have shit just like you do! I’m not here for a pity party. I am just here to get the stuff out of my head by sharing it. It’s cathartic for me.

The power of grief

This weekend, I attended a celebration of life for my husband’s oldest brother’s wife. She passed away from cancer just 4 months ago. She was only 53. You guys, this is the shit in life that is straight-up not fucking fair. It crushes my heart and boils my blood. It also renders me helpless. Tami was a firecracker. She put up a good fight. The last time I saw her just last year before they moved out of state and I had a feeling I might not see her again. I can hear our last conversation in my head. I said I hated goodbyes and she said, “It’s not goodbye, it’s I’ll see you later.” I did what I do best at events that make me sad, I stay busy. I helped with food, gave hugs, talked to old friends and absolutely refused to watch the slideshow cause I just couldn’t. Every side glimpse made me want to burst into tears. I will say the catch-ups with family, the ability to give big hugs and just be present was so good for my soul.

The power of electricity

Next up? Can we talk about the scary reality of Northern California firestorms? You guys, towns are just literally going up in flames. October has become the ‘oh shit’ month. That’s when the winds kick into full force. PG&E has taken a huge hit due to the downed power lines which have been thought to have sparked some pretty insane fires. So the solution? Shut everyone’s power off. It’s a fun game to play. You know, when will my power shut off and when will it come back on. Truth? It was beyond annoying the first time. We didn’t have a stitch of wind and boom, no power. It turned into trying to save the food, finding ice when grocery stores had run out, etc.

On Saturday night, while sleeping in our trailer that we’d set up for the weekend festivities on my sister-in-law’s property in Napa, we woke up to insane winds. It was scary and we knew a fire was already moving at a rapid speed just one county over. So yes, PG&E, please shut down the power. I get it. Then I get a call from my husband in the afternoon after I’d already left for home. A transformer blew near his parents’ home and sparked a fire. Thankfully it was put out quickly. Their power had not been turned off. What? Again, if someone could explain this logic, please? It feels like the scene in Elf where Buddy runs his hands down the whole panel in the elevator and lights up most of the floors without really caring what floors the elevator stopped at. You just kind of wait to see if your button lights up, ya know? So yes, please shut us down if necessary but can we have some better rhyme or reason? Like, why do my neighbors get power and I do not? Literally, on the same street, some of us are sitting in the dark while others are watching Netflix.

Apparently, as I sit in this coffee shop one town over from my home, charging my computer, our power kicked back on at home but it might be turned back off again tomorrow. Sigh. It’s a minor thing in the scheme of life but it makes me feel a wee bit frazzled. It’s out of my control so as long as I have flashlights, coolers with ice and a roof over my head, it’s all good. So many businesses are shut down, employees aren’t getting paid and the school system is a bit of a cluster. I am good at turning a flashlight on and off so I’d say I’m winning!

The power of parenting

Next up on my rant, Ben. Oh, Ben. Man, my mama heart is all over the place conflicted. I miss him. We had a 10-minute social chat with him yesterday and he sounded a bit melancholy. As much as we struggled with so many of his choices over the past two years, he’s my kid. When he is sad, I feel sad. I want to hug him and make everything better. I can’t. I know this. He has to learn to navigate some of this journey on his own. But still, I am in California while he is in Utah. I get to see him next week. We’d really hoped for an off-campus visit but he has to earn that and he is a bit stalled on his current packet. To say I am bummed if this doesn’t happen is an understatement. Seeing him for 6 hours off-campus is so much better than 3 hours on campus. Quite honestly, it sucks. I feel like we could all use this extra time as a family of 4. I know he is working hard. I know it’s not easy. I don’t fault him. I am sad though.

I also have to say, our house is so much less chaotic without him at home. Most of the stress that manifested in our home was because of his choices or lack of concern or respect for authority. I worry about him coming home because I don’t want to live in that space again. I like where we are. I like that he is safe where he is. I also want to make sure that he is actually growing while he is there and that it isn’t just a place that’s keeping him safe but without growth. I do think there is some growth, don’t get me wrong but is it enough to keep him there? So many questions and the answers aren’t obvious so we wait. We schedule trips. We have conversations and we watch and wait. One day at a time. It’s all we can do. No one has the answers.

I get asked questions about Ben and the program all the time. First of all, it’s so sweet to get the check in’s. My heart is grateful for the love and support. Second, it’s all a bit confusing to explain. Ben works at his own speed. The earliest a kid has gotten out is at the 7-month mark. Ben is working hard but has 8 values to work through. He is currently on value #3. Each of these is a packet with a series of steps, a book to read and projects. He has to get signed off or as they call it, “get support” in each value. He has currently not gotten full support on this current packet in almost 4 weeks. A lot of that was due to his own struggles, attitude and lack of participation. He knows he stalled and he is trying. This is common.

Recently, we had a huge win when Ben got through his first seminar which means that he earned time with his brother both on the phone and in person. Woo hoo! This was something that was so important to both of my boys which of course meant that it was so important to my mama heart. We did a happy dance and gave Ben a lot of praise for his hard work.

Also, this is a huge financial shift for us. We have Kaiser. Kaiser does not cover a penny of this program. Kaiser only has 2 programs in California that might be covered but guess what, in California, kids can sign themselves out of these types of programs so that obviously wouldn’t work. We have paid out of pocket thus far but as the program goes on, we will likely have to borrow money. Now, if this is working then it’s a no brainer as far as what we will do. We don’t have a surplus of cash but we have the ability to pay back a loan. It’s a bit of a financial gamble but we are very lucky to be where we are. To have options.

The power of attitude

So here’s the thing, life goes on. Moods come and go and so does the power if you live in Northern California. #sofunny It’s OK to have a meltdown but don’t unpack and live in that space. Be a light when someone else feels like things are too dark. Sometimes talking it out, crying or just grabbing that cup of coffee can be a game-changer.

Have a beautiful day and know I’m so grateful for you!