Being Brave Is A Journey

Hey! It’s been a hot minute since I did a Ben update here on the blog. I usually do my emotional purges via my Instagram stories. If you haven’t been following along, Ben is our oldest son. He is currently in a residential treatment facility in Utah because we felt like he needed a reset. You can read our story here.

Tomorrow will be 8 weeks since he’s been gone. I can’t believe it. Eight weeks ago today, I knew I wouldn’t be seeing him for a while. My anxiety skyrocketed, I felt like I literally couldn’t breathe and my heart just hurt. Where am I now? Well, the anxiety has lessened but my heart still hurts.

Last weekend, we made the trip to see him. It felt so good to see him in person and hug him. I didn’t want to let go. We got to see him for 3 days, 3 hours a day. Then we said goodbye and left him. There was a lot of emotion throughout the visit. He hasn’t yet ‘earned’ time with his brother but that was a snafu on their end so they ended up letting him have one hour with Mason. One hour. Seeing them together makes my mama heart sing but knowing they have limits on this crushes my heart. There are a whole lot of feelings involved with parenting on any given day but we’ve stepped things up a bit.

Making the conscience choice to send your child away for help is an incredibly hard choice. It’s the hardest one that we’ve made in our parenting journey thus far. I’m told that we are very brave. I guess that seems accurate. Being brave means that you make a choice to do something hard. It means that you take a chance on something in the hope of a better outcome.

This is what we’ve done. We removed our son from home and everything he knew in hopes that he would become better acquainted with himself. We want him emotionally healthy. We want him to make choices that show that he values himself. We want him to be an upstanding citizen. We want him back home with us as the best version of himself. We know who he is to his core but he’s gotten a bit lost along the way.

Now, when I say that ‘we’ know him to his core, I don’t feel like that is a completely accurate representation. I can not speak for my husband but I feel like I can see through my boy. Moms have a spidey sense when it comes to our kids.  I may not know all the things that are hurting him on the inside but I can see a lot. I see pain, I see a need to protect others, I see a want to change but a fear of losing who he’s now known to be. I see what needs to happen it but it’s up to him to make the appropriate changes for a better life.

I see inner demons and sadness. I see addiction. I see things bigger than the typical teenage existence which honestly doesn’t seem to typical anymore. The number of teens that struggle with depression and/or anxiety is staggering. I can’t even begin to tell you the number of parents who have come to me with stories of personal struggles.

When I joined a Facebook group for parents with kids in various facilities and the group is growing by the day. Why? Because kids are struggling, parents need help and the facilities exist because of the high need. Don’t get me wrong, this is a complete gamble. There are no guarantees with anything in life. We could very well spend a lot of money and get the same kid back. I hope not.

I am not a pessimist, I swear! I do consider myself to be cautiously optimistic. I don’t like to bank on anything but I really do try to see the upside. I also know that shit happens. My son could come out of this as the very best version of himself (we are crossing all the fingers and toes right now!) or he could come back and start doing the same stuff all over again. I have to hope that some time away will allow him to gain some new skills, or as I tell him, fill his toolbox. He actually thinks that my creative verbiage about ‘filling his toolbox’ is dumb but hey, I tried.

When we saw him, it was emotional. If felt so good to hug him. I wish I didn’t have to let go. Just an FYI, 16-year-old boys don’t love being held by their moms. I tried. Leaving him that day crushed me. I was in a bit of a spin all week because of it. I know he’s in a safe container (as my friend who’s been down this road told me) but my heart was aching for that piece of our home puzzle.

My kid is a complex mix of things. He is wise, brave and smart. He is also immature, aloof and oh-so stubborn. I think a few of these emotions take over the others. I’m hopeful that his maturity switch flips on. That would be a positive for all of us. I do miss the moments with him when he is home, engaging and happy. I miss talking to my big kid. Those moments had become few and far between though.

We didn’t get our therapy session the week following our visit as they don’t do them the last week of the month. I felt super disconnected. Then he didn’t call home for his Sunday social call. That wrecked me. My mind went to two different places, 1. he doesn’t want to talk to us because it’s too hard for him to handle because he misses us. 2. he lost the privilege cause he got in trouble. No mom doesn’t like knowing what’s going on with their kid! His therapist is off-site for the weekend and that’s who I usually connect with.

Update: I started this post nearly a week ago and then my computer had a glitch so I was stalled before I could finish it. We did talk to him last week. He had decided to not make his Sunday call to us. That was hard to hear but I was also glad that he hadn’t gotten in trouble. He’s working hard but still struggling with things. He feels like we don’t want him home which isn’t true. The hardest thing about teens is what they ‘hear’. It’s never quite what you are trying hard to tell them. Their interpreted version is usually a bit skewed and not quite as positive which is frustrating. If they could just hear us.

I realize that this journey has so many dynamics and that many people have their own version and emotions about Ben being gone. It’s obviously impactful in our home but extended family and even his friends feel his absence. His brother feels like the house is too quiet, his friends miss their loyal friend. Everyone has his best interest at heart and there are so many people who are #teamben which is a beautiful thing. I feel the love that surrounds my big kid on a daily basis. My friends are sweet with their check-ins and my heart is so grateful to feel the support.

Being brave is something that many of us are doing on a daily basis. We do it when we face the day. We do it when we say yes to things that scare us or no to things that don’t serve us. Being brave is stepping outside of your comfort zone. It’s taking risks. Being brave is loving someone so much that you take a chance on them, even when it’s not something that’s easy on your heart. Being brave is having the courage to share your story. Being brave is being authentic. Being brave is having the courage to say that you need help. Being brave is saying I am sorry, I made a mistake and I’m sorry.

To those of you out there who are living the hard stuff and showing up every single day, I applaud you. You are brave.